The Tragedy of the Pcuni

People sometimes ask me why I use the name "PCUNIX". If I'm in a hurry, I just tell them that it stands for "Personal Computer Unix", that Unix is a computer operating system (no, not like Windows) and that most of my income has come from supporting people who use that operating system.

That, however, is not the truth.  The true story takes much longer to tell, and as it exposes me as a bleeding heart tree hugging liberal, I don't often tell it -  no sense in upsetting people more in these troubled times.

However, for the benefit of those who share my environmental concerns, I will reveal here why I chose the name "PCUNIX".

Our story begins in 1625, when a group of Irish monks chartered a paddle steamer for what they thought would be a trip to China to convert heathens. They had the unfortunate luck to have hired an erstwhile American river captain who had experienced a run of bad luck operating his boat on the Mississippi. He attributed this to a lack of passengers, trouble obtaining spare parts for the boat engines and other anachronistic difficulties, but modern historians simply observe that he was a drunk. He's not really important to our story except that, under his care, the monks did not reach China but instead were shipwrecked in Australia.

Early hardships and a great discovery

This was December 7th, 1626. Not understanding that the seasons are reversed in the Southern Hemisphere, the monks nearly froze to death before they observed that the local aboriginals were close to naked and yet seemingly quite comfortable. With that problem out of the way, they set about building a nunnery, the ruins of which can still be seen to this day.

It's really not part of my story to explain why the Irish monks would build a nunnery when there were no nuns present on the doomed China mission. Let's just say that they were a perpetually optimistic bunch.

It was the monks who first documented Pcunix Australopicus.

Really, that's not fair. Aboriginal rock paintings depict Pcunix Australopicus in many locations,. However, most of those have a strong sexual theme so cannot be seriously considered. Anatomical details may be presented much more accurately than in the monks sketches, but the aboriginals did not speak Latin, and that's what matters when it comes to discovering and naming new creatures.

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

There is an apocryphal story that it was the monks who first observed that Pcunix Australopicus tastes like a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. As Reeses were unknown in Australia until at least 1738, this cannot be true.

However, the monks definitely did observe the singular character of Pcunix Australopicus nests.

Apparently these creatures did not like the cold. They also may have been confused as to seasonality or perhaps, as marsupials, they could not adjust their body temperature as efficiently as true mammals. Whatever the reason, they constructed nests from saliva, blowing tiny bubbles into the structure to serve as insulation.

It is said that the monks immediately recognized the similarity of the nests to bubble wrap, and, still confused about the seasons at that point, began insulating their windows with Pcunix Australopicus nests.

Strangely, the monks did not think that the fabulous rainbow hues of Pcuni fur was a marketable commodity. I suppose that was fortunate; destroying the nests was bad enough.

Bubble Wrap Exportation

Thus began the great Bubble Wrap export industry of the Irish Monks at Castle Alford Nunnery, Greater Glory of Her Holiness, Cmythwk, Queensland.

You may not have read about this in your history lessons because the industry was short lived and also for political reasons I will explain later.

Pcunix Australopicus did not fare well with its nests being stolen by foraging monks and soon the monks could not find sufficient nests to support their business. They were shortly bankrupt.

Their creditors forgave them because of their godliness and bad luck being shipwrecked in Australia to begin with. They then concentrated more closely on the business of attracting nuns, which some said is what they should have been doing all along rather than running about the Outback searching for bubble wrap nests.

Extinction Pressure

Pcunix Australopicus was near extinction by the early 1800's. No one cared about that, as wiping out native species was regarded as a fun hobby for newly arrived settlers. It was probably around this time that the unusual taste of these poor creatures was noticed by Australian schoolchildren and that certainly contributed to more trouble for the Pcuni. The poor things were all too easy to hunt because of their brightly colored rainbow fur.

The tomato blight

But that was hardly the worst of it. The Irish monks had also brought tomatoes, which apparently became a favorite food of the Pcuni. Unfortunately, the Great Tomato Blight of 1893 came, bringing the Linuxia Lycopenus virus to Australia. While most other species did not eat tomatoes and therefore were not exposed to the virus, it spread like wildfire among the poor Pcuni.

Descriptions from the early 1900's tell the story. This is from the field notes of an Australian biologist in 1918:

"It's much like Jesse Dutch Helms disease, you know. Very debilitating for the poor things - they actually die of consummate thirst. So pathetic, their little tounges hanging out, and there's not a damn thing you can do for them - good as dead at that point!"

By 1950, there were only 8 breeding pairs known.

This did waken the Australian public. The American President George W. Bush pushed for Federal legislation to protect this species and the American Congress did this in 1988. Australian conservationists cheered, although the more pessimistic pointed out that there were no Pcunix Australopicus in America and the law had no force in Australia.

Well, the naysayers were wrong. The Pcunix Australopicus population actually increased, and by 1991, there were 13 breeding pair and they were breeding regularly, just as depicted on the ancient rock carvings that the monks had covered over when they arrived.

The American Idiots

And then, in 1993, came the great tragedy. The Griswolds, stupid American tourists, lost in the Outback where they never should have been anyway, stumbled across the breeding colony and mistook the nests for bubble wrap.

Their gleeful stomping destroyed all thirteen pair. Then, noticing an aroma of peanut butter and chocolate, these idiotic Americans ate the crushed dead bodies of the adults and left the young Pcuni (which were said to be tasteless) to die unprotected by their nests.

That others may learn

I took the name PCUNIX and wear my rainbow wig (constructed of genuine Pcuni fur) out of respect for these harmless creatures. Both the Australian and American governments have expunged most mention of the Pcuni from history and the monks have taken a vow of silence, so very few people know of these events. I only know because my great great grandfather was, in fact, that drunken river boat captain who eventually made his way back to America with a boatload of Pcuni fur, which he hoped to sell, but the fashion never caught on. He told his part in this tragic tale to his children and that is how it was passed down to me.

I hope you will think of the poor Pcuni in their bubble wrapped nests every time you see me.

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