Lunatic liberal ACLU atheist

Yes, that title describes me. I'll pause for a moment while you recover from the shock.

Yes, yes, please do send the children to another room. I quite understand your concern. I can wait.

I'm sure you have questions, and although we both realize that "liar" and "liberal" are kissing cousins, I promise you that I will try to answer each as honestly and completely as I can.

Question from the back? No, I have never eaten a kitten.

Friends? Yes, I have friends. Many of them are Conservatives - excuse me, I mean "normal people". One group even allows me to play poker with them weekly. As one of them graciously put it, they let me play even though I am an atheist.

I'm honestly surprised that he picked that criteria as the most heinous, but apparently that's what bothers him the most. That may be that because, over time, I have learned to dampen my knee jerk liberal reactions to the conversations at the table. The first time I heard Sarah Palin described as a "breath of fresh air" I nearly spit coffee all over the chips, but now I can listen to Dick Cheney being characterized as a great humanitarian and barely blanch. Really.

Oh, I have liberal friends too. We meet secretly once a month and lick our wounds.

No, I didn't mean that literally. I have never actually licked anyone but my wife.

What's wrong with me?

Oh, if I had a dime for every time I have heard that question!

Seriously, I don't know. But I promised that I would answer your questions and I will.

Let's take that atheist thing first as that obviously upsets so many of you. I remember that there was an embarrassed silence at my poker table when that piece of information first came out. That I was allowed to continue to play and indeed welcomed in subsequent weeks was apparently no small concession. That honestly surprised me and I think the depths of horror may largely be from misconceptions about what it actually means when someone says they are an atheist.

It doesn't mean that I want to burn churches or have made a pact with some demonic creature. It only means that I don't believe in the creator god that you believe in. That's all. I don't believe in Santa Claus either, but I don't go around beating up department store Santas. I am not opposed to religion, I just don't share your beliefs.

I realize that frightens some of you because you think I have no reason to be moral if I am not fearful of Divine Punishment. I'd like to point out that this supposed controlling influence hasn't been very successful in controlling the morality of religious people, and that our prisons are filled with devout believers, but that probably doesn't comfort you much. I could argue that there are evolutionary explanations for morality, but I can see that using the "e" word is upsetting some folks in the front row, so all I can do is assure you that I really am a trustworthy person and yes, you should keep a close eye on me just the same.

Let's move on to the liberal thing. I think we can just ignore my membership in the ACLU; after all, liberals are insane and there is no telling what crazy people will do with their money.

I'd like to try to explain that I just can't help being liberal. I mean that. It may sound like a weak explanation, but I am just naturally compassionate. I agree that it is a gross character flaw to be that way. Yes, I understand that if the poor would just pull themselves up out of poverty without stealing your hard earned money, the world would be a better place. I'm abjectly sorry, but I just can't help myself. Seriously: we could argue all day long, with you presenting your precisely logical and quite irrefutable arguments in favor of conservative policies and me babbling the usual pointy head liberal nonsense, and at the end of the day nothing will change. You won't change your mind because of course you are right and I can't change my mind because that's just the way I'm wired. I can't help it.

When I secretly meet with my liberal friends, we like to pretend you can't help it either. We say that your political views are based on fear and that we see disturbing evidence of racism in many of you. That is just liberal distortion, no doubt caused by whatever mental defect causes the compassion that is at the root of it. We know it isn't true.

Oh, yes, thank you for pulling me back to reality. Yes, I do realize that many of you give generously to charities. Yes, I do see the distinction between voluntary giving and forced confiscation of your money. I could argue that voluntary contributions plainly aren't enough to solve our social problems, but those are just liberal weasel words. We are always making dumb remarks like that.

Yes, smarty-pants remarks would be a better way to phrase that. Thank you.

I also want to thank you all for resisting the quite understandable desire to stone me as I stand here. Your restraint is admirable and I am deeply appreciative.

Gay marriage? I don't think "marriage" is any concern of the  State at all and believe that States should only bless civil unions. If someone wants to go add the blessings of a church, that is their business. But if States are going to license marriage, then yes, I support gay marriage. I apologize again, it's all tied into that compassion problem.

What's that? Gun control? No, I don't oppose gun ownership. That upsets some of my liberal friends as much as my atheism upsets you, but again, I just can't help it. That I happen to be on the side of the Angels here is again just a quirk of my nature: I think citizens should always have the means to protect themselves.

Oh my, I certainly didn't expect applause! It is undeserved; please remember that I remain a loony liberal at heart. I have sufficient other odious opinions, I assure you.

But it does show that we do sometimes have common ground. And if we both try very hard, we surely could find other areas where, while we may not agree, we can at least appreciate the other sides point of view.

For example, I can sympathize with your feelings that the extremes of socialism are unfair to hard working people like yourselves. Perhaps you can agree that not everyone has the talent to be successful and that some fall on hard times through no fault of their own. We may never find the middle ground that satisfies both your inexorable logic and my lunacy, but if we can at least stop demonizing one another, we would have a happier world.

Another question? No, really, I have never eaten a kitten.

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